Helping a Loved One
When someone you care about is experiencing abuse, it can be upsetting, confusing, and overwhelming. You may feel helpless, afraid for their safety, or unsure of what to do or say. These feelings are normal and valid – and while you can’t rescue someone from an abusive relationship or pressure them into leaving, you can be a powerful source of support, safety, and hope.
Here are some ways you can help:
Check In with Compassion, Listen Without Judgment
Let them know you care. Start with simple, open-ended questions like “Are you okay?” or “I’ve noticed some things that worry me. I’m here if you want to talk.” Avoid blaming, confronting, or criticizing their partner. Instead, focus on your care and concern for them. Abuse thrives in silence and shame – you noticing and expressing empathy is meaningful. When a loved one chooses to open up, simply listen without judgment. Allow them to share without pressuring them.
Remind Them of Their Right to Respect
Gently reinforce that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity. Reiterate that healthy relationships are built on equality and that each partner has a right to autonomy, boundaries, and the pursuit of their own interests. These messages and reminders are critical, especially when someone is being controlled, isolated, micromanaged, or psychologically and emotionally worn down. This may not compel change, but it does plant seeds of introspection.
Share Resources
Encourage them to connect with their local domestic violence agency or call an anonymous helpline (local, state, or national). Explain that these agencies provide free support services, from simply accessing advice to safety planning, emergency and legal assistance, and counseling. Advocates who specialize in relationship concerns can help assess and discuss a person’s unique situation, even if they aren’t trying to leave. Information is a powerful first step for many.
Respect Their Autonomy & Choice
Leaving an abusive relationship is complex, and as much as you may plead with them, an individual must decide when and how to leave. It’s important to accept that they are the expert in their own life. Leaving an abusive relationship is a deeply personal and potentially dangerous decision. Rather than pressure or force them, focus on offering consistent support. Let them know you’ll be there, no matter what they decide.
Stay Present and Connected
Abusers often isolate their victims, so maintaining contact is vital. Let them know they’re not alone. Stay in touch. Check in regularly, even if these check-ins are brief. Keep the door open for future conversations. Your consistent presence in a person’s life helps counter the isolation and fear they may be facing, and assures them that they have someone to turn to at any moment.
Offer Practical Support and Safety Strategies
If you feel it’s safe, help them plan ahead. Make this collaborative and allow them to choose what feels best. You can:
- Create a code word, phrase, text message, or signal they can use if they’re ever in immediate danger.
- Offer to hold copies of important documents, maintain emergency funds, or keep a packed bag at your house.
- Let them know they can stay with you in an emergency or help them to identify a safe place to go.
- Help them get to a domestic violence agency or courthouse for support, including obtaining a restraining order
Call the police if you ever witness violence or believe someone is in imminent danger.
Care for Yourself, Too
Supporting someone abused or in crisis can take a toll on you in many different ways. Know that you’re not alone. Domestic violence agencies can help guide and support loved ones, too. Taking care of your own wellbeing is vital, and also ensures your ability to help the person you care about.
Remember, you may not be able to fix or change things, but your care and compassion are powerful – it lends support and can encourage someone to take the next step.
To find further support for your loved one, or for yourself, contact us or call our 24/7 hotline at 401-846-5263.